Wiznaibus
June 13th, 2005, 5:48am
21 Things Every Fast Food Drive-Thru Customer Should Know
1. Know the total. After all, I just told it to you twice. This saves time, because I don’t have to interrupt the other customer’s order to tell you the total a third time, you asshole.
2. Have your money ready. I don’t care if you have 31 cents. If there’s a line, and you have waited more than 15 seconds, then you have time to have your money ready. I want you to know that if it’s during the lunch rush, and you don’t have your money ready even after you’ve been waiting for a minute to get to the window, I will kill your family. Nothing makes me more homicidal than seeing a person dig through their purse.
3. No, ma’am. You may not add something at the window. I don’t care if your hungry mother just called you. @@@@ your mother.
4. I know that I have a voice that sounds good on the speaker. It’s my job. I like to do my job well, even if it’s making annoying people like yourself fatter.
5. I’m sorry. We do not serve “Uh….†I’m afraid we’re all out. And by the way, saying, “Lemme get a number one, aight,†is a sure way for me to respond, “Sure. I’ll let you have a number one if you pay for it, gee funk loke homie dawg.â€Â
6. Do not ask me how much something costs. No matter what you ask, I’m going to say, “Perhaps you should take a look at the menu that is right in front of your face.†Actually, I’ll usually tell you how much it costs just because I know it will take you an eternity to stare at the menu until you are able to put the letters together to form the words “Big Mac,’ and then read the price. Of course, it will take you even longer to subtract the newly learned price from how much you want to spend, because you are not able to do simple math as fast as a retarded chimpanzee.
7. “Just one second†and “Let me see what you’ve got on your menu†are statements that only make me want to say, “Not a problem, sir, but there’s a long line of cars behind you so hurry the @@@@ up!â€Â
8. I don’t care how your day went. In fact, I hope it was bad.
9. You know, I don’t know why they took the BigNTasty off the dollar menu. I can only assume it was because they weren’t making a @@@@ing profit.
10. I don’t know how many calories are in the Big Mac. If you’re so worried about getting fat, why are you at McDonald’s?
11. Get off your cell phone, or I’m going to tell Arturo, Juanito, and Jesus to spit on your Quarter Pounder.
12. I’m not sure where the shakes are located on our menu board, but I know that Dairy Queen is down the road.
13. The number one comes with a drink, and if you don’t tell me what drink you want, I’m automatically going to charge you for a Coke. No, I will not change it at the window.
14. Oh? You have changed your mind after your order is complete and you want to switch the four-piece to a cheeseburger? …man, that sucks. I guess you’re going to have to come back through the drive-thru again and order a cheeseburger next time.
15. The double cheeseburger comes with what is on the picture. Why pictures? We didn’t think you could read.
16. Wear clothes, you glandular cesspool of disgusting fat bodies….unless you’re a hot chick.
17. If you ask for “the number one,†I’m going to charge you for the number one. I don’t care if you wanted a Big Mac without the fries and drink. If you wanted a Big Mac by itself, you should have asked for it. I’m not a @@@@@@@ psychic.
18. The only smartass allowed is the one taking your order. If I say, “Congratulations! It’s a miracle. You have successfully located the McDrive-thru. What would you like,†and then you say, “Well, I would like to successfully order a number five,†know that you are stupid. I am being funny because I am bored. You are being stupid because you are, indeed, stupid. Remember, I’m funny. You are not.
19. Annunciate, mother@@@@er.
20. Do not ask if I can throw something away for you. Even cats clean up their own ****.
21. It may appear that I like talking to you because I smile and seem personable, but I’d like you to know one thing. Right now, a fat hairy Mexican who probably has five or six venereal diseases and scratches his crotch without washing his hands is putting pickles on you and your little girl’s double cheeseburgers. ….Have a nice day.
1. Know the total. After all, I just told it to you twice. This saves time, because I don’t have to interrupt the other customer’s order to tell you the total a third time, you asshole.
2. Have your money ready. I don’t care if you have 31 cents. If there’s a line, and you have waited more than 15 seconds, then you have time to have your money ready. I want you to know that if it’s during the lunch rush, and you don’t have your money ready even after you’ve been waiting for a minute to get to the window, I will kill your family. Nothing makes me more homicidal than seeing a person dig through their purse.
3. No, ma’am. You may not add something at the window. I don’t care if your hungry mother just called you. @@@@ your mother.
4. I know that I have a voice that sounds good on the speaker. It’s my job. I like to do my job well, even if it’s making annoying people like yourself fatter.
5. I’m sorry. We do not serve “Uh….†I’m afraid we’re all out. And by the way, saying, “Lemme get a number one, aight,†is a sure way for me to respond, “Sure. I’ll let you have a number one if you pay for it, gee funk loke homie dawg.â€Â
6. Do not ask me how much something costs. No matter what you ask, I’m going to say, “Perhaps you should take a look at the menu that is right in front of your face.†Actually, I’ll usually tell you how much it costs just because I know it will take you an eternity to stare at the menu until you are able to put the letters together to form the words “Big Mac,’ and then read the price. Of course, it will take you even longer to subtract the newly learned price from how much you want to spend, because you are not able to do simple math as fast as a retarded chimpanzee.
7. “Just one second†and “Let me see what you’ve got on your menu†are statements that only make me want to say, “Not a problem, sir, but there’s a long line of cars behind you so hurry the @@@@ up!â€Â
8. I don’t care how your day went. In fact, I hope it was bad.
9. You know, I don’t know why they took the BigNTasty off the dollar menu. I can only assume it was because they weren’t making a @@@@ing profit.
10. I don’t know how many calories are in the Big Mac. If you’re so worried about getting fat, why are you at McDonald’s?
11. Get off your cell phone, or I’m going to tell Arturo, Juanito, and Jesus to spit on your Quarter Pounder.
12. I’m not sure where the shakes are located on our menu board, but I know that Dairy Queen is down the road.
13. The number one comes with a drink, and if you don’t tell me what drink you want, I’m automatically going to charge you for a Coke. No, I will not change it at the window.
14. Oh? You have changed your mind after your order is complete and you want to switch the four-piece to a cheeseburger? …man, that sucks. I guess you’re going to have to come back through the drive-thru again and order a cheeseburger next time.
15. The double cheeseburger comes with what is on the picture. Why pictures? We didn’t think you could read.
16. Wear clothes, you glandular cesspool of disgusting fat bodies….unless you’re a hot chick.
17. If you ask for “the number one,†I’m going to charge you for the number one. I don’t care if you wanted a Big Mac without the fries and drink. If you wanted a Big Mac by itself, you should have asked for it. I’m not a @@@@@@@ psychic.
18. The only smartass allowed is the one taking your order. If I say, “Congratulations! It’s a miracle. You have successfully located the McDrive-thru. What would you like,†and then you say, “Well, I would like to successfully order a number five,†know that you are stupid. I am being funny because I am bored. You are being stupid because you are, indeed, stupid. Remember, I’m funny. You are not.
19. Annunciate, mother@@@@er.
20. Do not ask if I can throw something away for you. Even cats clean up their own ****.
21. It may appear that I like talking to you because I smile and seem personable, but I’d like you to know one thing. Right now, a fat hairy Mexican who probably has five or six venereal diseases and scratches his crotch without washing his hands is putting pickles on you and your little girl’s double cheeseburgers. ….Have a nice day.